Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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