oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just pee around me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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