low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
