so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
