My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
