there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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