Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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