i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
