I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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