I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
