I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
