Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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