Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
