bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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