You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
