I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
