he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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