I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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