my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE