I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS