96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
