i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
