The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
