Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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