we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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