sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
