please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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