The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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