The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize