I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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