i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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