I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
