My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Those nachos came to me in a dream
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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