I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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