I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
