so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
