After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
