If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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