he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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