did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
