I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
