I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
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