Michael Bay diarrhea
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
