pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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