I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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