Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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