Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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