I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
