My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
