Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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