my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
