Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
