You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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