Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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