Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
