i wish my penis had a tongue
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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