Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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