Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
