college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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