Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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