i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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