my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
